10 Steps to Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire Boyfriend by HaloJones

Official Description: This story starts off after Edward rebuffs Bella’s modest advances in their newly acquired bed in Edward’s room. But things take a turn for the better for these two lovesick kids when Alice takes things into her own hands. Never bet against Alice!
Word Count: 88,947
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4112891/1/10_Steps_To_Seducing_Your_Hot_Virgin_Vampire_BF

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10 Steps to Seducing your Hot Virgin Vampire Boyfriend by halojones is a fun AU romp. This story starts off after Edward rebuffs Bella’s modest advances in their newly acquired bed in Edward’s room. Tired of the unresolved sexual tension between our two protagonists, Alice takes things into her own hands.
In the first chapter we are treated to Alice explaining the realities of the world to Bella, “Bella, you are the woman in the relationship. You never need to ASK! You hold the power–not dumb old Edward!” So begins Bella’s enrollment in Alice’s “All Night Sensual Seduction Boot Camp,” a two week course that’s guaranteed to get Bella laid on prom night.

By the second chapter, Alice has Edward pegged as a breast man, though his terminology is a lacking. “BREAST. BOOB. Hell, Edward, I’ll even take titties over areola!” Edward shakes himself back to non-areola land with that cut. “I swear Edward, why do I have a feeling you have an issue of “Amish Porn Monthly” tucked in between your mattresses as we speak where the centerfold models hike up their pioneer dresses to reveal a little mid-calf for your oogling pleasure? Drooling over a little collarbone cleavage is positively kinky!”

S-exorcisms, stripper poles, and a palette of KY Warming Liquid follow. As Bella becomes more proficient in her seduction, Edward becomes more and more unglued. The funniest interaction, in my opinion, occurs when Edward becomes insanely jealous over Bella’s annual breast exam by Dr. Facinelli, aka Dr. Feelgood. Even vampire Rose longs for a human cervix so that Dr. Facinelli would have a reason to lay his hands on her. Dr. Facinelli unknowingly broadcasts his less than professional thoughts about Bella to mind reader Edward, when Edward joins Bella for her appointment.

“What a beautiful girl. She looks like MaryAnn from Gilligan’s Island in that top and pants. Man, I was always had a thing for MaryAnn…”

As Dr. Facinelli begins to lose his battle with his professionalism, Edward becomes more agitated and eventually decides that his medical degrees make him more than proficient enough to perform a breast exam. Bella agrees and madness ensues.

Halojones is one of the fandom’s undisputed queens of hilarity. Only her most recent outing, “Last Rites,” another AU story, taps into the darker side of Twilight fanfic. In “10 Steps,” this amazing author has created a story you’ll read over and over again…. So put on your favorite naughty school girl outfit, grab your 80′s Big Hair Metal Sex Power Hits, Aquanet and KY Warming liquid–Dirty Eddie awaits!