Official Description:
Edward has decided Bella needs protection. What kind ofprotection? The kind you can buy at Walmart. In the pharmacy.
Word Count: 6,287
Are you looking for a fic that will make you think? Searching for a fic that causes you to have deep thoughts… like what would happen if canon Alice applied self-tanner? Then look no further than Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers by Silly Bella.
Here’s the official summary:
Edward has decided Bella needs protection. What kind of protection? The kind you can buy at Wal-Mart. In the pharmacy
Silly Bella essentially drops off our beloved Twilight characters at peopleofwalmart.com while Edward tries to choose a prophylactic from the dizzying selection at what is commonly known as the Wal-Mart condom aisle.
Of course, Edward requires assistance making this crucial decision from such vast and varied array of options and reaches out to the store employees for help. When that gets him nowhere, he drags Emmett in for guidance. And where Emmett goes, Rosalie is sure to follow…
None of which goes unnoticed by Karyn, the store manager, who desperately hopes Edward and Emmett will include her – in anyway – in their plans for the evening. Even Rosalie, Alice and Jasper’s presence do not deter her. Karyn is an extremely relatable character and I would love to tell you that she is allowed to save face and doesn’t end up totally humiliating herself in front of Edward like I probably would but, I wouldn’t want to spoil anything for all of you.
AWS is about as long as the average o/s except it’s broken down into 5 breezy chapters. Silly Bella’s writing is clean and simple yet remains interesting and entertaining all of which, combined with her effortless sense of humor, create the fanfic equivalent of a great beach read. If you’re not lucky enough to be headed to the beach this spring, it would also be perfect for some light reading on your lunch break, as long as no one is around to witness the fits of laughter that will soon be taking place. Unless of course, you don’t mind getting caught laughing with yourself…
Attention, Walmart Shoppers is a funny little fic, where Edward goes to Walmart in Port Angeles in search of prophylactics.
Oh, the humanity! If you can call it that. I paused at the entrance into this new frontier. Wal-Mart. Of course, I’d never had any reason to visit one before. However, in this instance, the Port Angeles Wal-Mart seemed like the right choice. After all, Forks was a small town, and gossip would spread fast. I couldn’t do that to Bella. It would be worse than the motorcycle when Charlie found out, and Charlie would find out if I didn’t leave Forks for this particular shopping expedition.
After locating them, he can’t decide between all the condoms, so he turns to a store employee for help:
[dcs_p]Maybe she knew something about condoms. It was a… delicate… topic. But she was an employee, so part of her job would be to answer questions. It wasn’t like I was just walking up to any strange woman to ask about condoms. Ask her. I hesitated. I debated. Go ahead, ask her.[/dcs_p]
[dcs_p]“Excuse me, miss. Perhaps you can help me,” I said as I walked towards her with a box of Extrasafe Trojans in my hand.[/dcs_p]
[dcs_p]Is he talking to me? The hottie with the condoms? Does he really have a question? She smiled. A really big smile with shockingly white teeth for a human. I could help you in a lot of ways, honey. Just about any way you want. With a coquettish move, she brushed her bleached blond hair behind her ear. “I’ll do my best.”[/dcs_p]
[dcs_p]“Well,” I started, unsure of how to pose my concerns. I read the name on her ID card. “Karyn, if I milked a rattlesnake into this condom, would it contain the venom safely?” [/dcs_p]
He can’t decide, so he leaves to get Emmett. The lulz continue:
“Ooooh, what about these fruit flavored ones? I’ll bet they taste really good.”
It just gets funnier from there.
[dcs_p]“You know, I saw some spaghetti-flavored condoms in the airport once. I wondered about that. How do you make condoms taste like spaghetti, and would it be like cold spaghetti or hot spaghetti? I mean, who eats cold spaghetti?”[/dcs_p]
[dcs_p]“It probably depends on how hungry you are,” Emmett responded absently. “Someone who’s really hungry might.”[/dcs_p]
[dcs_p]“But would you chose it? Over other flavors? For something that was supposed to be enjoyable?”[/dcs_p]
Check it out–Attention, Walmart Shoppers is a nice little pick me up 
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