http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5763086/1/
Official Description: Typical formula: boy meets girl. Boy befriends girl. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl has no idea. Boy is afraid to tell her, because Boy – me, Edward Cullen – has been pretending to be gay to keep Girl’s man-hating self in his life. Rated M. AH.
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queenofgrey says: stella luna sky stole my heart with Bare. No, really, she did. I think she keeps it in a glass case somewhere, a jar, perhaps. Then she kicked it a little with The Queen of Hearts – like, she field goal-ed that shit. I mean, girl has a knack for kicking some serious emotional ass. So, when I saw that she had posted something new – Bad Fauxmance – I went into it with kneepads covering my gaping chest cavity, or something like that.
Little did I know, she’s also got a knack for tickling funny bones, & I should’ve used that kneepad to cover my mouth as it spit water across the table while I laughed. Bad Fauxmance is, easily, one of the funniest things I’ve ever read – a fantastic departure from the beautiful, poetic works she’s previously given us, & I mean that in the best way possible – with the crisp, clean writing skills of one of the best that our fandom has to offer.
It is the story of a boy, one in lust, maybe love, with Bella Swan – a simple gal, who happens to have a dislike for men. Not all men, though. She likes her gays – namely, Emmett, her own personal gay & her best pal. Now, how does our boy Eddie plan to win her over, or at least keep her around? Why, by pretending to have a penchant for peen. Clever, eh? Score one for Not-So-Gayward.
In a fandom drowning in AH fics, most of which portray Edward as a manwhore, it’s nice to come across one that uses that in a vastly different way. Edward hangs up his sluttin’ ways and lets himself be adopted by the Bear Gay to try to win the girl. Kind of sweet, right? I mean, really, what is better than that? Not a whole lot. Oh, maybe his inner monologue, which is written with such seriously spot-on boy thoughts that I’m starting to think that stella luna sky might be stella luna guy, but that’s a compliment. Either way, if you need something to brighten your day, make you laugh, and, you know, make you want to beg someone to write a heck of a lot faster than the speed of light, go get your chuckle on and read Bad Fauxmance. Two thumbs up from me, & I’d give it more, if I had extra thumbs.
SnowWhiteHeart says: Perfect recipe for making this story flamingly gay– start by having a title based off a Lady Gaga song. Check. Add an Emmett that belongs in Bear Force One (youtube it if you dare), and then have him teach a real Slutward to act gay? Hell yeah.
Bad Fauxmance is a ridiculously funny premise with an equally hilarious execution. In order to keep man-hating Bella in his life, Edward sacrifices his manly verility and becomes her gay best friend. Except he wants her– bad.
One of the funniest parts of this is how Edward acts gay so naturally– and subsequently shocks himself each time.
Then I feel a hand on my thigh, and it’s not soft and feminine.
It’s big and domineering and inching up slowly.
“Whoa, big man,” I say, oh my god, big man? “The mouth has to talk before the hands can.”
Where. Did. That. Come. From?
Please come watch this trainwreck with me. How in the world is Edward going to get in Bella’s pants if she thinks he’s gay? Once they move in together, things get more and more awkwardly hilarious.
I consider my problem as Bella chatters away happily next to me. We walk down the street in downtown Seattle, and she has her hand tucked into my arm. I’ve never known such contentment, but it has come at such a high price – my dignity.
We duck into a door, and it takes me a minute to register where I am. There are chairs connected to little tubs, and a few desks set up with small fans on them. There are cheesy pictures on the wall with women holding roses, their bright red nails on display. The whole place reeks of that shit Alice uses to take off fingernail polish, and then it hits me.
“Two pedicures, please,” says Bella to the tiny woman who asks what she can do for us. Bella looks up at me, and she must see my face. “Oh, it’s my treat, Edward. Help me pick out a color!”
Oh, the things this Edward does just to be in Bella’s presence! Big-Bear-Gay Emmett macks on him 24/7, often making lewd jokes and grinding up against him. Now a pedicure? Will the humiliation ever cease?
I love this story because even though we can assume B and E are going to end up together, I my fragile little mind can’t see how Edward won’t screw this up. 
Come take a ride on this disco stick!
Kassiah says: Ah, this story. I love Bad Fauxmance so much that when I came across it, I literally begged Stella Luna Sky to let me preread. I might have offered her sexual favors and fudge. Whatever. I’ve said this before–she’s one of the most lyrical, beautiful writers that I’ve ever read. Just like her other work, this story is amazingly well-written, but this is fucking hilarious.
I totally agree with queenofgrey, the way stella luna sky gets into Edward’s head makes me question whether or not she’s actually a guy.
“Don’t get rude,” I say, snapping my fingers. It’s not a total flourish-y snap, but it works, I think.“Ugh,” she says, rolling her eyes. “You and Emmett have been spending too much time together.”
I shrug. “Intimidated by cocks, check.”
“I. Am. Not.” She stands up from the table.
“Yes, you are,” I taunt, standing up and gathering our plates. “Don’t worry, Bella. The cockasaurus is a vegetarian. It’ll love your bush.”
She makes this noise that’s like a groan and a scream. She’s telling me she’s exasperated, but I’m past that point. Now I’m just flirting with the girl.
“See? You love him already. What a noise. Rawr.”
She flips me the bird from the sink, and I want to take her up on that. Oh, poor girl, you have no idea what I want to do to you and your smart mouth.
“That’s okay,” I sing into her ear. “I’ll teach you, Bella. Penises are glorious things.” She has no idea that inches behind her back, mine is hard.
Whether it’s for the insanely hilarious banter, one of the most amazing Emmetts ever, the incredibly original plot, or a Bella/Edward that you just can’t figure out how it’s going to happen, I think you’ll love Bad Fauxmance.
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