http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5106610/1/Dead_Confederates
http://twilighted.net/viewstory.php?sid=5467
Official Description: When you can live forever, what do you live for? “A slow paced southern mix of broads, booze, and blood, incongruous with my previous incarnations. Then I met Bella.” Follow Eddie, a sardonic Johnnie Reb as he faces an unforeseen future. AU, sexy, scary!
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ooohlalaaa says: To be completely honest, when I first saw this, I thought someone was messing with me and giving me crack!fic. Then, I started reading, and realized I was totally wrong. Not only is it not crack!fic, but it is by far the funniest fanfic that I have ever read. Edward is this hillbilly vampire, who lives with Emmett in a double wide. No, I’m not kidding, just read it. Seriously, Edward has the most hilarious, entertaining, inappropriate internal monologue I have seen thus far. Not that there are many AU fics where Edward is a Confederate vampire, but you get what I mean. It is only three chapters in, but that doesn’t matter, because you will be hooked halfway through the first chapter. I was going to try to pick my favorite quote, but there are far too many for me to choose, so I’ll just go with this one:
“He knew better than anyone that I wasn’t gettin’ any good lovin’ because of some irritatingly, beautiful brunette at Mama Brown’s who was making my balls turn an unsightly shade of blue. Not my style, at all. I wanted to rip her head from her shoulders, spit in her face, slap her ass, suck her empty, and fuck her six ways to Sunday all at the same time.”
Swoon.
Kassiah says: I really can’t add anything more that what my girl ooohlalaaa already said. This story is truly hilarious. I swear to rob, I was tweeting my favorite quotes throughout the entire first chapter and trying to catch my breath the entire time. Seriously, they shop at Piggly Wiggly and hunt possums! Humor aside, another thing that I really love about this story is that although Confederateward is fuckhot and completely out of character, he has many of the traits of the Edward that we have come to know and love. Not to mention that the author and all of the ladies at the Twilighted forum bring an added level of camaraderie and southern hospitality to this story. Go see ‘em, they’ll roll out the welcome mat for ya! This story is a do not miss. But be warned, do not consume any beverages while you are reading.
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