http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4901076/1/EARTHQUAKE
http://twilighted.net/viewstory.php?sid=3434
Word Count: 39,925
Official Description: When a virgin is kidnapped in the jungles of Isle Esme, a daring anthropologist rushes in to the rescue. But will they be able to escape the island before falling victim to the predators, natives, and pirates? AH EdwardxBella
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Lemon Muffins says: When one hears the word “Earthquake” a vivid image of natives with pierced genitalia and painted bodies sacrificing virgins immediately comes to mind.
No?
Well, try reading the fic by the same name by Thallium81/JFly and then we’ll be on the same page.
This is the unconventional story of a brazen older woman on a quest to save a young man from a terrible fate: being ceremonially tossed into an active volcano to stop earthquakes from shaking the island inhabited by a civilization standing unaltered by time. And if we added in the fact that a barely legal Edward Cullen is the virgin to be sacrificed?
Now that is a story worth reading to me.
With the assistance of a jaguar that goes by the name of Kitty, Bella throws herself into harm’s way to rescue the poor, helpless, Lord of the Rings geek who just might end up being perfect for her.
But there are inquiries to be made, intelligent anthropologist Dr. Swan notices. Why did the media lead everyone to believe the missing person was a child? What is the government covering up? Which group is more likely to kill Edward under her watch: the desperate natives, or the pirates on a quest for hidden treasure?
Plan A was simply to free Edward from the bats and bugs eating at his flesh wounds, get his weathered body moving, and hurry off the island before anyone realizes that he’s missing… Yeah, right, like it would really be so easy for our two favorite characters to accomplish.
So it’s only logical that a Plan B must be concocted, the likes of which could make even the most solemn of fangirls squeal in excitement as it comes to pass.
“I would divest Edward of his usefulness to the bloodthirsty locals,” Bella claimed boldly, and I squealed loudly enough to wake my entire household.
I love this story unconditionally, like a grown woman loves her puppy. It’s playful, funny, attacks you sometimes, and it can even be sexy as hell. Well, maybe that last bit doesn’t really go with the puppy analogy, unless someone out there appreciates Jacob Black in a way even I don’t.
Beginning each chapter with the most entertaining disclaimer I’ve ever read (who knew such a thing could be a highlight of a story?) and giving us an adorably innocent Edward in need of saving by a badass Bella who knows her way around a jungle—and can actually repel down a tree without killing herself and maiming fourteen other people—I was immediately and irrevocably hooked.
The witty comedic flare and steaming sexuality in this action packed story adds a certain charm that could delight any audience, supplying readers with anything we could ever want to see written: romance, sex, danger, treasure, virginal sacrifice, a “no wonder you’re a virgin” Edward, the IRS, and maybe even a little bit of magic, too.
It’s fun for the whole family, if your whole family is of legal age.
revrag says: There’s several reasons why this story works. Firstly, however, I have to give props to the author for her carefully crafted disclaimer:
“I made all of this up. I do not claim to know anything at all about any of this. I made up the whole Xtabalz’n culture, the name of which I also invented out of nothing, intending no offense to anyone. I have no knowledge of anthropology, pre-Columbian cultures, South American islands, prehistoric religions, hieroglyphs, survival skills, predators, florae, fauna, fungi, WWII, the IRS, or the function of a consulate. This is ALL FAKE.”
Huh? This should not deter you from reading this story because…even though the author very convincingly uses her big girl brain and makes you pause for a moment and think…”Is she shittin’ me?”, while reading along, at times, you’re also thinking, “This is totally plausible!” This is a prime example of how an author who writes AH fanfic realizes she doesn’t have to stick to the formula and instead pushes the envelop by not only creating her own world, but proves you can write a short, clever story and still have fun with the characters.
I cannot speak of or steal from Thallium81/jfly her biggest reveal, because honestly it was golden. Shocking even in a LOL sort of way. It’s actually the sort of thing where you want to re-read immediately all the while thinking, “How the HELL did I miss that?” After that, and you’ve chilled and taken a lozenge to loosen your parched throat from gasping so hard, you get to delve into a witty, charming story that is not only an adventure/romance, but makes you think and react.
She uses the word, ‘kitty’ appropriately—which is refreshing because, come on. COME ON…when vaginas are referred to as ‘kitty’, it so makes me want to cough up a hairball. Srsly. Or pet my downstairs—and really I don’t need further encouragement.
So, need a plan B? Give Earthquake! a read.
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