Midnight Son of a Biotch by greeen goldfish

Official Description: What would happen in Midnight Sun if the characters weren’t so…Mormon? How does a vampire break it to his lady love that he wants to eat her? Can vampires get drunk? Let’s find out. Warning: I delight in abusing canon. OOC, AU.

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“I want to trust you,” she said, as we stared at one another.
“I want to tell you you can.”
“Why can’t I?”
“Because I’m a fucking vampire, Bella. I’m like a junkie, and your blood is like the heroin.”

Not your typical spin on canon, is it?

Like most of you, I read Stephenie Meyer’s Midnight Sun and walked away more than a little bummed. The main reason was, obviously, that half of the book was missing, but also that Edward was just too … 1918.

Then I found greeengoldfish’s Midnight Son of a Bitch, and I’d be a liar if I said it’s not the most satisfying fic I’ve ever read. You have your charming, determined Edward, who sulks and makes fun of himself. He thinks he’s a brooding bastard and he sees himself as a monster of sorts. He’s not your typical vampire, though. Sure, his body and intellect are 109 years old, but emotionally he’s still seventeen—teen being the operative word—and he has no idea how to deal with Bella.

New to the world of the Cullens, Bella is a curious young woman, witty and smart. One of the best things about the story is that she’s actually way smarter than book-Bella. She just wants to know things. However, Edward’s being a vampire does very little help him in their relationship.

“But she has my number. If she wanted to talk to me, she’d call me. If she wanted me to have her number, she’d give it to me.”

These two are still the basic high school couple—insecure and self-conscious and cute. Edward seems embarrassed by a lot of things, such as the sparkling, which he refers to as “a fucking disco ball”, and he’s so used to his telepathy that he’s constantly (and I mean constantly) surprised by Bella’s questions.

Not to leave out the secondary characters, this fic also has a great Alice. She’s crafty, but not annoyingly so. Rosalie is not thoroughly bitchy. She’s very likeable, but she’s still Rosalie. Emmett plans to “conduct an experiment whereby he would inject the rabbits with alcohol before sucking their blood. To see if he could get vampire drunk.”

Still with me? Vampire drunk. I can’t fucking wait.

The storytelling is just hilarious, and the same goes for the chapter titles, even though the story is labeled romance/drama. It’s a refreshing take on Twilight, realistic—as realistic as a vamp fic can be—witty, and dramatic, all at the same time.

greeengoldfish updates frequently, her writing is simple and to the point, and I’m curious as to how close she will stay to canon as the story comes to an end.

So, yeah.

I’m the junkie, and Midnight Son of a Bitch is like the heroin. I just want more.

I’m not sure where to begin. I loved everything about this fic. Let me count the ways.

One. I love Edward. (Shocking, right?) He’s not the normal self-loathing vamp we usually get, although there is some of that thrown in, he’s hilarious. His dirty mouth is also a plus.

I sighed.

“We fucking sparkle.”

“What?”

“Like fucking disco balls, alright? When our skin is in the sunlight, we fucking sparkle.”

Her face scrunched up for a second, as if in abject horror. Which was exactly what I was afraid of. Except, actually, it was second on the list of reactions I was most afraid of-the first being what she did next.

Because next she fucking burst out laughing.

Two. I can actually say, for maybe the first time ever, I love Rose. She’s still very determined, she still has a past, but she’s also got a sweet protective side that I can’t get enough of.

“Thank you, Rose. For everything.”

“You’re welcome, Edward. Don’t fuck this up, OK? Because I think I might love that girl, now.” Then, she paused for a second before adding, “No pressure.”

I laughed.

“Thanks.”

Three. I love the way greeen goldfish has written all of her characters. She’s captured the very essence of each and every one of them. They are playful, fun, and absolutely hilarious.

“So, like…want me to carry your books or walk you to class?” I teased, as we reached the entrance to the school and stopped, just outside the doors.

“Shut up!” she cried, shoving me playfully. And then she scrunched her face up again, because I didn’t budge.

“Wait! Wait! I’m ready now. Do it again!” I said, rolling my head from side to side and bouncing on the balls of my feet like a boxer.

“What?”

“I’m ready now. Shove me again.”

She narrowed her eyes at me, but then she totally shoved me again. And that time, I let my weight fall in the direction she pushed, taking a step back in exaggeration. She rolled her eyes.

“You’re such a dick.”

Four. Even though I was laughing through every chapter, I also fell in love with all of the sweet parts as well. These two don’t rush into anything, it’s there from the beginning but they let it blossom slowly.

She opened the door then, and it felt weird. Like we were supposed to hug or something. But I wasn’t going to risk that. And just as I was about to turn to leave, she raised her hand and placed her palm on my chest. Right over my heart.

“Bye, Edward.”

And for one brief second…

“Bye, Bella.”

…it was like my heart was beating.

*sigh*

Okay, so I could go on for pages and pages about everything I love about Midnight Son of a Biotch, instead I’m just going to tell you to drop everything, click the link at the top of this rec, and read. Seriously. Why are you still here? Go!

I didn’t really know what to expect going into Midnight Son of a Biotch. I’d never read any of greeen goldfish’s stories, but it was clear from the beginning that she has a great sense of humor as well as a wild imagination to create an AU that parodies Midnight Sun while also crafting something unique and engaging to read.

More than anything else, I adore the laughs I get from this story. Things do become a little srs bsns down the road, but the main focus tends to hover around Edward’s self-deprecating humor. Instead of constantly giving us the typical “OMG I am a MONSTER and I cannot be around Bella because I want to EAT her and if I love her she will lose her SOUL. I am so EMO!”, this Edward is a bit awkward around Bella and displays that in great internal monologue. He has endless WTF moments with the other Cullens as they usually seem to confuse him more than they help, and oh yes, he’s far more of a potty mouth. So is Bella. Thank you for the realistic representations, GG =)

Of course, Edward just wouldn’t be Edward if he accepted his destiny with Bella and figured it all out right away. He’s nervous around her and runs away about a bajillion times, but he eventually does try to get to know her. It’s better than stalking, right? Once he does, the giggle-worthy charm comes out to play.

“Here,” I said. “For next time. So you don’t have to come all the way to my house just to get your notes back.”

“Oh shit,” she breathed, her eyes wide. “Am I that transparent? I mean, I really was worried when your prolonged absence took place right after a near death experience. I just never would have dreamed of coming to your-”

“It’s cool, Bella.” I said, grinning. Because, for once, I felt like I had the upper hand in the conversation. Never mind that it was thanks to my Saturday morning stalking session. “You’re not that transparent. I just had a suspicion. That you just confirmed. But you were totally within your rights.”

“I feel like such an asshole, now.”

“No, no, no. It’s fine. I totally appreciated the soup. Despite the fact that it may have served dual purposes. It was still really sweet.”

“Um, does this mean you do want to borrow the other notes?” she asked, folding the piece of paper with my number and shoving it into her pocket.

“No. I just…wanted to give you my number,” I admitted, still grinning a little.

“Oh.” And of course she was blushing again. “Thanks.”

I pulled my backpack onto my shoulder, then, before winking and heading for the door.

Yeah, I fucking winked.

Cause that was the day I decided I wasn’t gonna be awkward anymore. I was a fucking vampire for fuck’s sake-it was practically in my DNA to be suave.

If vampires have DNA.

Or whatever.

So that was the day I decided to be smooth.

On a more serious note, there are several other aspects of this story that I really enjoy. For one, the relationships between the Cullens are different. In the books, Edward doesn’t seem especially close to Rosalie or Jasper, but here, their roles are instrumental in the way Edward deals with Bella and their eventual relationship. None of the characters are disregarded, but I appreciate the twist, and it is done so in a way that feels genuine and believable within the context of this story.

Another unique difference is that we find out Carlisle did not change any of his family members into vampires. Each has their own unique backstory (Alice and Jasper’s remain the same, of course), and the circumstances of their individual transformations factor into their characterizations and roles in the Cullen family. When I read how and why Edward was changed, I was blown away. greeen goldfish provided him with a history that truly justifies his feelings about not wanting to take Bella’s human life away, leaving the readers a little torn about what he should do and how he’ll deal with her as their relationship progresses.

Happy reading!

What else can I add to tell you that I think you should read this fuckawesome story? Amazingly well-written and so, so funny, Midnight Son of a Biotch is one of my faves. It’s got the internal monologue that we wish SM’s Edward had. I’d pay real actual money for this be Midnight Sun, but even I know: SM wishes she could write this good.

Tuesday morning, I was in such a good mood that I didn’t even mind that moment when Bella got into my car and I wanted nothing more than to kiss the shit out of her, but instead ended up just staring at her.

As always.

My morning classes flew by; probably in part because Bella had managed to find a way to get me back for eavesdropping on her conversations. Like when Jessica Stanley was grilling her for details about how far our relationship had gone physically. At first, my heart plummeted when the topic came up, because I was pretty sure I was the most disappointing boyfriend on the face of the planet on that particular front. But when Jessica asked her about me and my expectations, Bella totally started fucking with me.

“He has a very healthy appetite,” she answered dryly.

“Oh, really?” Jessica whispered excitedly, leaning in closer to Bella. “So, what have you done?” You dirty whore.

“Well, I don’t want to kiss and tell. But, god, Jess—you should feel how rock hard he is.”

“Does he have a six pack? I’ve always wanted to see his abs. I bet he has a six pack.” She’s probably not referring to his abs, though. Filthy slut. But who am I kidding? I’d put out for Edward Cullen in a hot minute.

“He’s very shy about taking his shirt off. I can’t imagine why,” Bella said, grinning.

“That’s so adorable. I can’t even understand him being shy about anything,” Jessica sighed. I bet he just pretends to be modest.

“I know. Especially considering he has such a sparkling personality,” Bella added.

Does it make me a total h00r that I sat there, hoping and praying that greeen goldfish would break with canon and have him fuck her up against the lockers? *giggle*

Midnight Son of a Biotch is a fun story that keeps all the best canon-characteristics that we’ve grown to love and infused personality into Edward that makes us love him even more. You are seriously missing out if you aren’t reading this fic.