Smooth Operator by Cullcati

Official Description: Edward has a hard on for the local diner girl. His roommate doesn’t think he has the balls to pursue her. Can this Smooth Operator get the girl?

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We’ve all done it – read a story where Edward is overly flowery and emotional and obviously written by a woman. Some readers like that sort of thing and some don’t.

Personally, I like Edward to sound like a man, so when I was rec’ed Smooth Operator and was told the author was male, my sense of curiosity was piqued and I HAD to check it out.

I read the first line and I was hooked:

She was doing that thing again. Twirling her hair around her finger and biting her lip. My weakness—bottom lip biting. It’s my kryptonite. One look at that plump bottom lip being pressed and squeezed between pearly white teeth and I’m a goner. I leave the town of Limp and become the mayor of Bonerdom.

“Mayor of Bonerdom”? Yep. Gigglesnorted indelicately at that. (I am, in fact, a twelve-year-old boy.)

So, in Smooth Operator, Edward is a phone-sex worker, as is his room-mate, Rose. They work odd hours, and every night after their shift they end up at a diner where the lovely but aloof Bella works. Edward has it bad for Bella, but in the three years they’ve been frequenting the diner, he’s never had the guts to ask her out.

He does, however, fantasize about her. A lot.

Her short skirt had pulled up around her hips, and I quickly moved my hands around to her back, hoping and praying to all known gods and entities that she was either: A, wearing a thong; B, wearing those lacy boy shorts that look amazing on that Victoria’s Secret model; or, my ever favorite, C, she went commando.

My hands slid from her lower back to the top of her skirt and I closed my eyes in anticipation. Slowly they slid over the smooth material until I reached the bottom. I bit my lip and, almost in manner of teasing myself, I slipped the tips of my fingers under the hem.
They brushed against soft skin. I gasped. It was either A or C.
Please let it be C, please let it be C, please! Please! Please!
I sucked in a breath and cupped my hands on her bare ass and could have happily died right then and there. But the need to know outweighed my impending death, so with ambition, my fingers slid upwards.
Higher they went until I had to open my eyes to determine just how high they had gone. Under the top of her skirt and part of her shirt they rested, my hands not even on her ass anymore, but rubbing against her lower back again.
This only meant one thing.
It. Was. C!
“Fuuuuck,” I groaned, and quickly slid my hands back down to cup what I knew now was a completely naked ass.

It’s really interesting to read a fic written by a man, and the way CullCati writes this Edward is fantastic. He’s funny, adorkable, and very much, a boy. Oh, and pervalicious. My favorite type of Edward.

CullCati has also created a fabulous, feisty Rose, whose relentless attempts to hook him up with Bella lead to much hilarious tension between them.

“I hate you,” I seethed.
“You love me,” she grinned. I wanted to smack that grin off her perfect lips.
“I honestly believe that you’re trying to kill me.” I clasped my hands around my sweating glass of water.
“I would never kill my favorite roommate. I’m just trying to get you laid.” She shrugged.
“Firstly, I’m your only roommate. Secondly, fuck off. I can get laid all on my own.” I focused on the droplets of water, rubbing against the wetness with my thumb.
“When was the last time you got anything? A kiss? Blow job? An orgasm not brought on by your own hand?” She raised a brow at me in challenge. She already knew the answer.
“I, um…I kissed someone.” I shrugged like it was no big deal.
“Kissing your mother ‘hello’ when you took her to lunch last week doesn’t count.”
I frowned.

Another thing I love about this Edward is that even though he and Rose are just friends, he still has sexual fantasies about her, because…well…he’s a boy, and Rose is hot. Sure, he wants Bella, but he’s going to sport wood over other girls too. It happens.
I can’t recommend this fic highly enough if you’re looking for something seriously funny. It has great characters, a hilarious premise, and a flawed, funny Edward who you will fall in love with.
At under two-hundred reviews for six chapters, this is a true underloved gem.
Go. Read. Now.
And review-grope the author on your way out. He deserves it.

Okay, dude. Right here, I was hooked…

She was doing that thing again. Twirling her hair around her finger and biting her lip. My weakness—bottom lip biting. It’s my kryptonite. One look at that plump bottom lip being pressed and squeezed between pearly white teeth and I’m a goner. I leave the town of Limp and become the mayor of Bonerdom.

To my surprise, the person our protagonist is speaking of isn’t Bella, but Rosalie. Together, these two work in something I’ve honestly never seen in a fic before… They’re phone sex operators…. And, not going to lie, this boy might have even made me blush a little.

(Hey shut it, I blush!)

We come to find out that these two are close friends and nothing more. Their relationship is full of witty and hilarious banter, and even Rose understands that Edward’s true affections seem to be for someone else.

I could hear the voices of the cooks out back as I leaned against the vinyl seat. I glanced around the diner trying to be discreet, but a snicker from Rose told me I wasn’t being very stealth.

“She’s by the register.” Unable to stop my eyes, after the location was given to me, I looked over to her.

At the sight of her, I exhaled a long breath. Fuck, she was looking good tonight. I don’t know what it was about this girl. Maybe it was her messy pony tail? Her pink flushed cheeks? Her small hand that wiped the sweat from her brow as she frowned at whatever she was typing into the register? She got this little crease between her eyes, that looked like it would only take a gentle nudge from my finger to smooth out.

Then she bit her lip. Her fucking lip. I sucked in a shaky breath. She did it every time I saw her, and yet it still gave me instant wood.

His inner monologue is pure win. Seriously, I couldn’t stop giggling at the sexual innuendo’s and the ridiculousness inside his head… This is just a taste, but there are so many great examples. I would end up cluttering the entire page with quotes.

Next to our table, ‘she’ stood. We were about to be served. And God how I wished she’d service me.

It’s especially great considering what’s going on inside his head is not at all what he’s working with on the outside. The boy can dirty-talk it up when he’s working, but when he’s face-to-face with the girl of his dreams? All sputter and stutter and stumble (literally).

And it’s pretty fucking adorable.

But when he’s not stumbling… holy hell in a hand basket, give me some of that. He’s funny, and talks dirty, he’s named his penis… and he talks to it. And this story totally makes a male point of view feel believable with the mention of wet dreams, boobs and of course… the smell men have that isn’t always so honey and sunshine.

Wide awake now, I quickly realized that Bella’s tight and wet pussy was just my fist, and the smoky bar was just my cozy, man-smelling bedroom. I squeezed my eyes closed tightly, willing Bella’s image to come back. I slowly stroked P.E as he calmed down. That was one intense dream. And not the first one I had had of Bella.

I reached over to shut the radio off then sighed, dropping my arm limply back to the mattress. It was 6:00 p.m. Time to get up. I pulled myself out of bed, rubbed my eyes, scratched my fingers through my hair, and looked down.

“Thanks for the little wake up call, man,” I muttered to my cock, which was hanging through the hole in my boxers.

Unfortunately, Smooth Operator needs a little push from his best friend to actually make his move, and do more than order food from the girl who’s stolen his heart. And after three years, it all comes out in a flurry of words from Rose’s mouth to Bella’s ears… and then, well, you need to read the story to find out. I don’t want to ruin it for you!

Trust me when I say you’re missing out on some serious giggles and a great story if you’re not already reading this one!

Smooth Operator is an interesting read. I found a lot of the interaction between Edward and Rosalie to be unlike any I’d read before – they banter, they flirt, Edward admits to even having had some wet dreams about her, but they never cross the line. In chapter 6, they kiss, but both agree it was terrible and they should never do it again.

Edward wants Bella, and only Bella. Reading through the story, I laughed out loud several times, and kept shaking my head. Edward is a very dirty boy, and I kinda like that about him.

When Alice and Jasper are introduced, more hilarity is thrown into the mix, and some pretty epic miscommunication leads to a confrontation between Edward and Bella, and “Man-Bear” which is, as of yet, unresolved.

The last update has us meeting Edward’s mother, finding out his father thought he was gay, and Edward is tasked with bringing Bella to lunch the following week.

I’m eager to see how Bella handles interacting with Edward again, once he (presumably) apologizes for his previous behavior.

What can I add to the amazing reviews by the fuckhot KiyaRaven, MsKathy, and Madame? I can only say that this fic is definitely underloved and has an Edward that I’ve never encountered before.

And I love him.

I love his inner monologue and that he refers to his peen as the “Prince” and that he’s a bumbling mess whenever he tries to talk to Bella. I love his names for everyone else, from calling Alice Petit Power Fuck to referring to Jasper as Douchesper. I also love that he has a sensitive side:

Perhaps, though, with Alice on my side I’d get past the Man-Bear and into Bella. I smiled at the very thought. Especially if Bella didn’t date—ever—then I could imagine just how amazing she must feel. I squeezed my eyes shut, my tongue coming out to slowly lick across my bottom lip, teasing myself with images of Bella’s heated cheeks and chest, caused by her blush. Only, in my thoughts, the pink tint to her perfect pale skin was for some other reason.
God I was a fucking pig.
I actually liked Bella. Yeah, I wanted to do her—a lot—but I wanted to do more than just fuck her—a lot. If I had any chance at all with dating her, I’d have to take it slow and invest in a fuck-ton of lube…for personal release. With the way my mind worked, I figured I’d probably have to have alone time at least once before I saw her each date. Unless I did it in the shower, I’d run the risk of chafing, and then when Bella and I finally did get naked, she’d be so grossed out by my cock that nothing would happen.
No. I definitely needed more lube.

Sorta sensitive’s got to count for something, right?

Smooth Operator is one of my favorite stories. Check it out–I think you’ll love it, too.