The Vagina Monologues by jtmd24

Official Description:

What happens when 2 strangers have a 1-night-stand in college? Life. But not the way you planned. It’s raising a foul-mouthed toddler, selling sex toys & trying to make your dreams come true. Oh, and running into your drunken hook-up 5yrs later. AH/AU

When I first saw the teaser for The Vagina Monologues on The Fictionators Teaser Monday a couple of weeks ago I had to check it out.The banner is a quote from the first chapter:

I hate kids.

I never planned on ever pushing a human out of me and turning my vagina into a pile of roast beef that no man would ever want look at, let alone bang.I’m Bella Swan and this is my story.

Then the teaser had me even more intrigued:

Let me just point out that I’m not an idiot. As soon as I took eleventy billion home pregnancy tests, after drinking a gallon of milk so I would have enough pee for all of them, I realized I needed to hunt this guy down.

Of course, this was after I Googled “milk and pregnancy tests” to make sure I didn’t just spend thirty-seven minutes of my life staring in horror at positive pregnancy tests littered all over my bathroom that may or may not be correct because pasteurization messed with the chemical make-up of the tests and created a false positive.

It doesn’t, just in case you were wondering.

I have to say that this story has me laughing so hard in each chapter it is my newest DEAR story. JTMD24 has a way of making the ordinary every day things in life laughable, like when people tell you having a baby is ‘pain that you will forget, here is her response to willingly having a child:

“It’s a pain you forget all about once you have that sweet bundle of joy in your arms.”
Bullshit. I CALL BULLSHIT.

Any friend, cousin or nosey-ass stranger in the grocery store that told you it wasn’t that bad was a lying sack of shit. Your vagina is roughly the size of the girth of a penis. It has to stretch, and open, and turn into a giant bat cave so the life-sucking human you’ve been growing for nine months can claw its way out.

Who in their right mind would do that shit willingly? So what, you were just walking along one day and thought to yourself, “You know, I think it’s time I turn my vagina into an Arby’s Beef and Cheddar (minus the cheddar) and saddle myself down for a minimum of eighteen years to someone that will suck the soul and the will to live right out of my body, making me the shell of the person I used to be that can’t get laid even if I pay for it?”

(Disclaimer: in no way do I condone the act of paying for sex since it’s illegal, except in parts of Nevada and Rhode Island, as long as you don’t go to a brothel or solicit anyone in the street. Or so I’ve heard. From a “friend”.)

This Bella is snarky and has a potty mouth, she truly loves her son but there are days that she does not like him, which I can tell you as the parent of two teenagers I have those days myself.
Edward is clueless about who this woman he had a one-night stand with is, the only thing he remembers is that she smelled like chocolate so for the next five years-after he went looking all over campus for her and could not find her-he stops by every specialty bath store he sees to try and find the ‘lotion’ that smells like his dream girl. The best line by him in the first couple of chapters was via a flashback to the morning after his night of drunken sex with Bella, talking to his best friend Emmett:

“Oh shit. Fucking shit. Mother fucking shit balls.”

This can’t be good. This really, really cannot be good.

“What are you whining about over there, Nancy?” Emmett asked as he removed his arm from across his eyes and sat up.

“My dick is bleeding. Emmett – MY DICK IS BLEEDING!”

I was screeching like a girl. I knew it, he knew it, pretty soon the whole house would know it. But my dick was bleeding. Did you hear me? My fucking dick was fucking bleeding. FUCK! It’s not supposed to bleed. Ever.

I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know much, but I did know the rules about owning a dick. Rule number one: It should never bleed. Rule number two: There was no rule number two. It should never fucking bleed.

Did I sleep with a nutcase that decided to carve my dick like a jack-o-lantern while I slept? Or maybe her vagina had teeth. My dad used to always tell me when I was a teenager to stay away from them, because they bite. I thought he was kidding.

“Calm down. Let’s assess the situation,” Emmett said, crossing one leg over the other and folding his hands on his knee. “Have you noticed any of the following: unidentified discharge, burning sensation when you urinate, lower abdominal pain, testicular pain, pain during sex, fever, headache, sore throat, weight loss, chronic diarrhea or night sweats?”

He sounded like a fucking commercial for syphilis.

“Eeew dude, no. I just have blood on my fucking dick,” I answered irritably, pointing to the problem.
He leaned over and looked down at my lap.

“Looks okay to me,” he said with a shrug as he stood up. “You probably just popped a cherry.”

I sat there with my bloody, non-chlamydia infested dick flapping in the breeze and my jaw hanging open.

Oh and Emmett is THE BEST best friend!

The other character who will steal your heart is 4 year old Mason, a foul mouthed toddler who tells it like it and and as most 4 year old children talks non-stop in long, run on sentences. Here are some of his best lines:

“Do you want me ta’ beat up your friends mommy?” he whispered conspiratorially.
I removed my hands from my head and opened my eyes to look at him.

“What are you talking about, Mase?”

He brought his hands up and put them on my chest, resting his chin on top.

“Your friends, Mommy. The ones who maded you sick,” he said in a voice that clearly screamed, “Duh.”

I wrapped my arms around his little body and shook my head at him. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, buddy.”

He let out an exasperated sigh. Poor kid. He got stuck with a dumb mother.

“Papa says your friends Johnny, Jack, Jose and Jim maded you sick. Friends shouldn’t do stuff like that, Mommy. If Gavin maded me sick, I’d punch him in the nuts!”

Oh my God.

“Mason! Come on, we don’t say things like that,” I scolded him.

“Fine,” he huffed. “I’d tickle him in the nuts.”

Jesus Christ. There’s a reason why some animals in the wild eat their young.

“Just don’t talk about nuts,” I said with a sigh, rolling over so he slipped down onto the bed next to me with a giggle as he went.

“My best friend Gavin talks about nuts. He showed me his wiener once. Do girls have wieners? Papa took me to breakfast and I ate fwee pancakes wif syrup and sausages, and Papa let me have Dr. Pepper last night wif dinner, and I told him I’m not allowed to have pop wif dinner but he told me not to tell you, and I said okay but I forgot. Can we go to the park?”

Anyone who has a son and has had to deal with their first case of ‘morning wood’ will appreciate this part:

“Mommy don’t feel good today and I got a big wiener.”

Alice barked out a laugh.

“Mason, please. Enough with the wiener talk,” I complained

“But, Mommy, look,” he said as he attempted to unbutton his jeans. “My wiener is really big and tall right now and it feels funny.”

“Ooookay,” I said as I quickly walked over and stopped him from whipping it out. “No one needs to see it and remember what I told you the other night? It’s fine, just don’t tell people about it.”

I slid him down off of the counter and told him to go look out the front window and count the cars that go by and then turned to face Alice who was silently laughing with her hand over her mouth.

“It’s not funny,” I hissed at her in a loud whisper.

“Why the fuck didn’t anyone tell me four-year-olds get woodys? I am not equipped to deal with this shit, Alice.”

She wiped tears out of her eyes and looked at me apologetically. “I’m sorry, Bella, but seriously. That is some funny shit right there. Sorry, I know nothing about four-year-old boys. When the hell did it first happen?”

“ONE!” Mason yelled from in front of the window as a car went by.

“The other night after his bath. He laid down on the floor on his towel and I gave him a book to read while I ran downstairs to get his pajamas out of the dryer,” I started.

“TWO!”

“I walked in the room and he rolled over onto his back and that thing stuck straight up into the air like a lightening rod. It was horrific. He kept smacking at it and saying it felt funny. Jesus Christ, will you stop laughing!”

“FWEE!”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” Alice gasped in between laughs.

“And of all the books he could have been reading when it happened, it had to be Barney. My son gets a hard-on for fucking BARNEY,” I screeched and quickly turned around to make sure Mason didn’t hear me.

Alice was hysterical at this point. Her mouth was closed and her shoulders were shaking. Every time she tried to breathe and not laugh she snorted and then choked.

“Now every fucking time it happens he wants to show me and say ‘Mom! Look at my big wiener!’ So I just told him it was normal and it happens to all little boys and it just wasn’t something he should go walking around telling people.”

Oh and did I mention that Alice, Bella’s BFF, has a sex toy party business that she’s roped Bella in to helping her with? No, yeah funny stuff. Especially when Bella runs one of the parties for Alice with comical results. Bella also has a tendency to talk without knowing who is around, which has led to her completely embarrassing herself, in front of Edward, on more than one occasion.

Another great thing about this story, besides the fact that it updates AT LEAST once a week, is that in almost every chapter she includes truths from her life in that chapters. For example, she might use quotes from herself, her son, facts about her family, it makes it interesting and fun to try and figure out what are the truths in each chapter. I could quote chapters all day but if these few tidbits have not convinced you to read this story, I’m not sure what will.

But a warning is necessary, DO NOT eat or drink while reading this story, unless of course you want to spew liquid on your reading device or choke on your food from laughing. This is one of the funniest, most well written romance/humor stories I have read in quite some time. Take a lesson from the Teacher and go read it, I guarantee you will not regret it.

I’m kind of a teaser hoor, even when I’m not reading much fic, I like to check the various posts out there for things. Last week, I stumbled on the banner and a teaser for this story and I’m not gonna lie, I was a bit nervous to start. I thought it might be ridiculous. I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

After diving in, I spent far too much of my day glued to the story, trying my very hardest to hold in the epic giggle fits at my desk. There are quite a few laugh out loud moments. Bella is feisty and kind of has that I-don’t-really-give-a-shit attitude, Edward has the best word vomit ever, and Mason is the best of both of them. I am a sucker for a cute kid. And Mason is completely adorable.

“Mommy, are we havin’ people over for a party?”

“No, we’re not having a party, why?” I asked him as I picked up two pennies, a nickel and some popcorn kernels.

“Cuz you’re cleanin’. You only clean when people are comin’ over.”

I pulled my head out from under the couch and sat back on my feet.

“I do not only clean when people are coming over,” I argued.

“Do too.”

“No I don’t.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Do not.”

“Do too.”

I’m arguing with a four-year old.

“Mason, enough!” I yelled. “Go clean your room.”

“Freakin’ hell,” he mumbled.

“What did you just say?” I asked him with a stern voice.

“I love you mommy,” he said with a smile before he threw his arms around me and squeezed.

I love every character in this story. Emmett is over the top hilarious and wears t-shirts proclaiming that he pooped that day. Rose is the quintessential dumb blonde, and I fucking love it. There’s one quote she makes that seriously had me in tears with laughter. Alice sells dildo’s, Charlie might as well be Chuck Norris and Jasper is his usual cool, calm self, trying to balance all the crazy.

As someone who wrote the ridiculousness that was Night Time Romeo, I have mad respect for jtmd24 right now, because it’s not always easy to keep the comedy fresh and entertaining. But she does it so well it seems effortless. I am in love with this story, and her, and I can’t wait for updates because this fluffy, fun, hilarious fic balances out all the angst I’m usually surrounded in. I’m very much looking forward to finding out what’s in store for these characters!

What can I add to this? Nothing, except to say that I love this story, too. Read it, right now, please. ♥