Official Description: Alert the Darwin Awards! Bella Swan, depressed and demented, nearly dies trying to kill herself & is shipped to Forks WA. Watch her update her facebook status and fall in love. WARNING: MA, very dark comedy. OOC w/ nod to canon , E/B some Jake , AH

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Ever since discovering comedy could exist within the fandom, I’ve searched high and low for quality romantic comedy… and then I came across the fucking brilliant Becoming Bella Swan, BellaFlan’s Indie TwiFic Award winner about the identity crisis of Bella Swan and Isabella Flanagan. When she started posting Stigmata Tomato, I jumped at the chance to read it, especially because she bills it as both comedy and angst.

In Stigmata Tomato, each chapter is introduced by Bella’s Facebook status. They’re not only ironic, but also provide a slight preview of the action in that chapter.

Bella is shipped off to her father in Forks after her botched suicide attempt that wasn’t really a suicide attempt (she comes to her senses when she realizes she’s bound to fuck it up). It’s almost as if Bella is cheating death when, moments later, she manages to slip and crack her head open while clutching a knife.

What parent wouldn’t assume she had a suicidal kid?

As the story unfolds, we begin to learn why Bella is definitely depressed and possibly suicidal. But the whole time, BellaFlan’s snark shines through in Bella’s thoughts and dialogue, lightening the mood while revealing that Bella’s sass is nothing more than a shield to protect her from something more tragic.

What about Edward? Although BellaFlan likes to insert a little Jacob in her stories (and there’s nothing little about him), Bella’s dalliance with him seems quickly forgotten as soon as it becomes clear she’s just one horny bitch who masturbates to thoughts of Edward.

I don’t want to divulge the already posted big reveals, but my impression is that Edward and Bella are going to discover something about life and themselves through frequent sex with one another.

BellaFlan is a gifted weaver of stories. Her characters are complex and real, and her plots are inspired and unique.

In the interest of full disclosure, I beta edit Stigmata Tomato. But even if I didn’t, I’d still be all up on this fic because I love and adore BellaFlan, the author of this quirky fic. Surely you’ve read Becoming Bella Swan, right? As always, I maintain there aren’t enough quality funny fics in the fandom, but BellaFlan always manages to provide me something to laugh at while reading something good.

Anyway, Stigmata Tomato begins with a depressed and helplessly addicted to social media Bella screwing up a suicide attempt:

The bathwater had cooled to tepid, but still, I held a steak knife to the bluish flesh of my wrist without any real follow-through. The serrated edge was duller than I expected. Shit, this was stupid. Who was I kidding? It’s not like I had the stomach to slice through my skin, not when I couldn’t even apply enough pressure to tear through the first dead layer. Also, what if I didn’t kill myself all-the-way dead and contracted Tetanus or something?
Do not misunderstand my intentions; I totally intended to die. I mean, I thought I did, but there was no way I could butcher myself like a stuck pig. Perhaps I should explain myself…

To state the obvious: I was fucking depressed. It was beyond anything I could articulate on my sad little blog (ironically called “Sylvia Plath is Dead,” but I digress). I was shrouded in a hackneyed darkness of epic proportions that I couldn’t see any logical way out of. Intellectually, I understood that I was young, only eighteen, and likely my perspective would change given enough time and opportunity, but who the fuck took the time to check in with the left side of the brain when contemplating offing oneself?

So after some well thought out tweeting with my childhood friend, Jake, I made a twitter poll list entitled “Best Ways for Bella Swan to End her Pathetic Existence.” In hindsight, not exactly the smartest plan, but I loved making lists. Taking random information and formulating a workable plan out of it was like mapping the stars; finding order in the seemingly chaotic universe. The Devil is not, in fact, in the details; God is.

I remember reading this first chapter when Flan first sent it to me – I cackled manically at the name of her blog, the fact that she tweeted a poll, and the fact that she was worried about contracting Tetanus when she was trying to off herself. Oh, the funny!

This cynical Bella always makes me laugh, and Edward’s characterization is, well, I won’t spoil the surprise of why he’s seeing a shrink too, but it’s an apropos and hilariously ironic tribute to canon Edward. True to Bella Flan’s signature style, this fic is chock full of sarcasm and silliness and little snippets of Twilight dialogue tossed in such a way as to make it twisted. Please to be adding this to your alert list if you’re not already reading it.

When Mac put this fic on the rec list, I didn’t think I’d have time to check it out before we posted. Thank Rob the fates aligned to allow me to read this amazing fic. I’m officially in like.

“You’re really hot,” I stammered.
“Thank you, Ms. Swan. I should warn you of some of the side effects of-”
“You’re Sex-hair’s father!” I screamed.
“Pardon me?”
“Sex-hair! You know, Abercrombie swagger, bronze fuck-me hair and gorgeous as all fuck…what’s his name?”
Dr. Cullen appeared positively flummoxed, his eyes narrowing in concentration. “Er…Emmett?”
“Edward,” Sex-hair corrected, smirking at me from the doorway.

This story is funny with a very different kind of Bella. Listen to Mac, like I did, and check this story out rtfn.