Official Description: Vampires have come to Forks, and only one person can possibly stop them. That would be me. I am Eric Yorkie, the Van Helsing of Forks. The True Adventures of a Vampire Hunter. A Twilight AU.

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What would happen if someone in the town of Forks figured out that the Cullen’s were vampires? That idea has been tackled by various fics but I’ve never seen it addressed in such a funny, creative way as it is in Eric Yorkie, The Van Helsing of Forks.

This story is Twilight told through the eyes of Eric Yorkie, lovable dork of Forks High.

Duskwatcher2153 picks up the Twilight canon after Edward saves Bella from Tyler’s van. Eric was in the parking lot, taking pictures, and a review of his film shows a blurry Edward, which makes no sense because his high speed camera can capture sports pictures perfectly well.

After an attempt to talk to “Sullen Cullen, who all the girls want for some inexplicable reason even though he’s got less life in him than an animated corpse,” Eric’s suspicions are raised that there’s more to the Cullen family than meets the eye. Edward attempts to compel him to forget and it almost works but Eric is not easily dissuaded and he continues to suspect something is not quite right with the strange, beautiful family.

Duskwatcher2153 really does a good job showing the typical high school male psyche. Eric’s reaction to Rosalie, for instance:

“Rosalie is so fine, it should be criminal. You can hear the IQ dropping of the guys she passes in the halls as they sprout woodies. Really, it’s like a military salute; Rosalie walks by, high school boys’ dicks stand up in honor. She has this pink shirt she wears sometimes; it’s kind of low-cut and you can just catch a glimpse of the paradise of those tits. Makes me wanna holler, um hmm.”

Hilariously, even after he determines that the Cullens are vampires, he’s still willing to bang Rosalie as a testament to her hotness. So he understands Bella’s preoccupation with Edward.

After having his suspicions arise from the van incident, Eric takes to watching the Cullen’s closely. Jasper’s perfect volleyball skills in gym class, while on his cell phone, catches Eric’s discerning eye, and combined with his “conversation” with Coach Clapp in which he manages to tame the coaches’ anger over the cell phone also clue Eric in that something is different about those Cullen kids.

Later, when going through his various drawings of succubi, it his Eric like a bolt of lightning:

“The vampire king. Yellow eyes. Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen is a vampire.”

What follows is what makes the story for me. Eric sets out to prove his theories, by wearing garlic to school, borrowing his sister’s Madonna crucifix (which may kill Alice, because you know, fashion faux pas), and even attempting to record the Cullens at lunch. If you ever wanted to see the Cullens mess with humans, then this is the perfect story for you. They, of course, know what Eric thinks and enjoy poking at him at every opportunity.

Armed with his suspicions, his trusty vampire journal, the internet, and the help of Solomon Kane of Vampires Inc, Eric is out to prove that the Cullens are bloodthirsty monsters. Who will prevail? I’m afraid that’s probably not much of a mystery, but watching Eric fail at every turn gives this reader much delight. Grab your stake and your garlic and join Eric on his quest to rid Forks of evil!

In the interest of full disclosure, I beta edit Eric Yorkie: The Van Helsing of Forks. I’d be a fan girl of the fic even if I wasn’t though. We’re seriously lacking quality comedies in the fandom, so it warms my heart to see a new chapter from Duskwatcher come across my inbox. It’s humorous, well-written, and completely unique.

Eric Yorkie often gets short shrift, relegated to the geek or the friend character in the background. He gets to be front and center in this fic as the bystander who figures out the Cullens’ secret and obsesses about how to keep them from chowing down on the good citizens of Forks. Eric is, in fact, a geek, but he’s also a horndog (attracted to Rosalie despite her undead disposition) and a good brother.

The story picks up just after the whole incident in Twilight after Tyler nearly mows Bella down with his van. Eric finally notices some odd things about the Edward and then Jasper, most notably their ability to bend folks to their will with that handy vampire thrall.

This is big. This is huge. There’s a coven of vampires, and they’re living right here in Forks. Suddenly my face twists in horrified comprehension. Dr. Cullen works at the hospital…where the blood bank is! Of course, he’s probably been stealing blood and keeping them all alive. That’s why he poses as a doctor. I am aghast with the monstrosity of it all. They’re always talking about the need for blood drives. Now I know why! Oh, will their perfidy know no bounds?

But as I sit over my Cheerios, I start to settle down. You can’t just go around pointing fingers at some pale creep and accusing him of being a vampire. No, Eric, my boy, I tell myself, you are going to have to play it smart. You must gather evidence, like the photographs you took of the van accident, but even better. Then you can spring it on them all at once, and gather the townspeople and maybe stake the bastards.

I think about driving a stake into Edward’s chest, what with blood spurting out and everything, and it kinda grosses me out. Maybe I shouldn’t be the one to do that, actually. Maybe we could just lock them up instead. We may need to call in the experts. I’ll hit the internet after school, for sure. But for now, how to protect myself during the day?

Oh, the expert. Heh! This whole expert angle cracks me up, but I’ll leave it to you to introduce yourself to the brain behind Vampire Hunters, Inc. That’s some funny stuff! I also nearly peed my pants reading about Yorkie’s hilarious attempts to ward off the vamps with the typical things – garlic, holy water, crosses. And seeing the Cullens fuck with poor Eric makes me snicker.

Did I mention there are werewolves too? Yeah, put this one on your alert list – it’s a great foil to all that heartfail-y angst in the fandom!

I have seen this title floating around for a bit and I am not gonna lie, at first I ignored it. I am not a huge fan of vamp stories, although I read some, and I thought this was one of those. I thought when I read this it would be about some guy going around killing blood sucking vamps. But boy was I wrong. This story had me laughing so much.

I kneel and gather my books, but I keep my eyes on him. I know what you are, I think. Vampire.

Understanding blossoms in his eyes.

Holy shit on a stick, somehow he heard that. My heart jumps in my throat. His eyes narrow, and his eyebrows draw down−not a good sign. Mr. He takes a step toward me.

That’s enough for me. I’ve just managed to piss off a vampire. Way to go, Yorkie. Suddenly it occurs to me that maybe my current strategy has not been the best. The only person that knows the Cullens are vampires is me. They get rid of me, and they’re all golden.

“Eric!” Cullen calls to me, but I take off like a bat out of hell and enter the first building door I can. I look behind me and catch a glimpse of him heading this way just as the door closes. He’s coming after me! Holy fucking fangs, Batman!

Eric’s internal monologue about the things he observes about the Cullens is seriously too funny. I really am enjoying this story a lot and I think a lot of you guys would too.

Whenever Hmonster4 suggests something to read, I try to hop on it–and she’s always right. This is no exception. Eric Yorkie, The Van Helsing of Forks is hilarious.

I let myself dream for a moment. I’m standing in the school yard, my hands on my hips and the crucifix flashing in the sun. Around me, the Cullens are strewn on the ground, helpless with laughter. Bella, Angela and a dozen other girls run up to me, all dressed like Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. “Oh, Eric!” they exclaim, pressing themselves against me. “We knew you were right all along!”

You don’t want to miss out on this amazing story. Trust me–read it right now!