Official Description: “I’d never been one of those women who found foreign accents sexy until I met Edward. Now, even plaid made me horny.” Bella is in love with her best friend, Scottish expat Edward, and she’ll do anything for him. Anything. AH. E/B.

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When Kassiah asked me to write a guest review for CTtR, I have to admit I was kind of spooked. You see, I was literally in the middle of writing an email where I was mentioning mac214 (good things, of course). Fandom ESP? Or are we all just attuned to each other in this fandom?

If there were such thing as Fandom ESP, I’d tell you to read my mind right now. But since there isn’t, I’ll take the time to explain what I’m thinking…

CTtR is a humor/romance written by mac214, and like many other readers, I clicked on the story already knowing it was going to be great. Mac never disappoints with her writing. (Yes, that is a fact. I will duel you at high noon if you think otherwise.) The summary for CTtR is as follows: Bella is in love with her best friend, Scottish expat Edward, and she’ll do anything for him. Anything. And by ‘anything’, mac means that Bella will even marry the guy so that he can legally stay in the United States. Sounds peachy, I hear you say. Well, it is and it isn’t. The voice inside Bella’s head keeps reminding her that this is a case of unrequited love; Edward even has a hot Brazilian girlfriend named Senna! And then there’s also the risk of friends, family, and the authorities finding out the marriage is a hoax!

Here is an excerpt from the first chapter that showcases mac’s non-disappointing writing:

“He droned on and on about those stupid beignets, but I hung on every word. That accent. Holy crap. I’d never really been one of those women who found foreign accents sexy until I met Edward. Now, Sean Connery gave me the tingles in inappropriate places because he reminded me of Edward. I couldn’t watch Braveheart without masturbating every twenty minutes. Plaid made me horny.”

Hilarious.

For those of you who are still nervous about a Scottish Edward despite what I have just quoted, I have two words for you: Bonny Knob. BK is what you’ll find if you look up Edward’s kilt. No longer do I associate plaid with my high school uniform, or someone hitting Britney one more time. Edward also happens to be absolutely adorable – he’s loyal to Bella, and his accent is incredibly charming. You must read this story and acquaint yourself with him. If you don’t, Mel Gibson will probably rant at you, because let’s face it, he probably peaked with Braveheart and I don’t think he has anything better to do.

Here’s an excerpt from the wedding:

“Maybe Edward was a good actor; he’d been doing way better than me in terms of acting loving and interested in public. In that moment as I was walking down the aisle of that church, he even had me fooled. He looked… awed. I couldn’t explain it any other way. The smile on his face was almost triumphant, and I had to restrain myself from sprinting to reach him.”

Heartclench.

I mentioned before that Bella has a voice in her head. Also known as Madge, Bella’s voice of reason is a character in itself. Just so you know, the voice in my head is pointing out that I’ve threatened potential readers twice and quoted a passage on masturbation in an effort to get you to read this story. I just don’t want you to miss out, that’s all. Romance usually comes in the form of declarations of love, followed by a wedding. Here, it is the other way around.

For those of you not familiar with my work, I write humor. CTtR is my go-to story for when I want to read humor. So, please, join Clan Cock and share the Scottish Edward love! If you don’t, I’ll be waiting for you at high noon, with Mel Gibson and Britney Spears in tow.

But that’s a shotgun wedding for another time.

For the record, I totally just read belladonna’s mind, and woo-boy, I thought I was a pervert.

Now on to serious business: Coming Through the Rye. Seriously, I kept seeing this story mentioned on Twitter, and like always, I’m disappointed that I didn’t start it sooner.

Bella is funny, a bit shy, kind of a tomboy… and she’s in love with her best friend. Hopelessly in love with him.

I was the best friend, the idiot who served as his keeper of secrets, designated driver, and rugby compatriot. I wanted him to love me; oh, he told me he did often enough, but the drunken, slurred confessions just served to depress me since it was brotherly love, completely devoid of any romantic notions. I really wanted him to see me as a woman – one that loved every part of him, from his stupid-looking, knobby knees to the tips of his unruly red hair.

Bella soon learns that her best friend, the man she loves, is facing deportation back to his home country of Scotland… and somehow she gets introduced as a possible helper for him to stay in the country.

“Act like I’m in love with you?” My voice sounded unnaturally high to me, and I attempted to modulate it down to the point where dogs around the neighborhood wouldn’t be howling at the sound. “That’s a laugh! I’m far too good for you.”

“What? What’s nae tae love? My charm an’ wit are legend, lass, and don’t forget it!

Once the decision is made, their journey toward marriage and the aftermath of what they’ve done leads Edward to discover feelings he never knew he had before. Even a little bit of jealousy.

“Ye cannae go oot wi’ Brady,” Edward said, completely dodging my request. He stood and stomped over to the table, pointing in my face. “Ye havenae the foggiest whit yer getting yerself intae.”

I didn’t know what I was more pissed off about – that he didn’t pick up his nasty ass fingernails or that he was lecturing me about who I could date. “And you do? You met the guy once.”

“Weel, sae did ye. An’ noo yer practically throwing yerself at him. Are ye nae worried about yer reputation, lass? Yer a marrit wifie!”

Whoa, what? Even Madge was rendered speechless, although she was sputtering and getting ready to throw down on my behalf, something I never thought I’d see.

I narrowed my eyes and swatted his hand away from me. “Excuse me?”

“Ye cannae date, Bella. It juist wouldnae be proper!”

It’s incredibly sweet (and a little bit heartbreaking). But, the story is fantastic. There is an excellent cast of characters in this story that you can’t help but love. Between Bella and her crazy inner voice (who she’s named Madge) that will crack you up and Edward (or Ryeward, as we’ve so lovingly named him) and his boaby, I’m very sure you will love it just as much as I do.

So what are you waiting for? Go read!

I had been told to read Coming Through the Rye by more than one person, and each time I made sure it was on my to-be-read list and moved on. If I had known what a fuckawesome fic I was missing out on, I wouldn’t have kept putting it off.

Normally it’s all about the Edward for me, and this one did not disappoint. But I have to admit, I love Bella too. She’s strong and sexy, and not afraid to push for what she wants.

I was captivated from the first chapter. How could you not love this:

He droned on and on about those stupid beignets, but I hung on every word. That accent. Holy crap. I’d never really been one of those women who found foreign accents sexy until I met Edward. Now, Sean Connery gave me the tingles in inappropriate places because he reminded me of Edward. I couldn’t watch Braveheart without masturbating every twenty minutes. Plaid made me horny.

If you aren’t already reading, you should be. Give Mac214 some love.

IDK why I didn’t read this fic sooner. Actually, I think it had something to do with manips of Rob in a kilt. Manips squick me like nobody’s business. Silly reason for not jumping into a great story, though, right? So I make my apologies to the fic gods (or would they be little demons?) and come here to tell you how much I’m enjoying Coming Through the Rye!

This Bella starts off as a little…odd. She’s obsessed with her best friend. While she’s an intelligent, successful woman, she also has an inner voice with a particularly strong influence on her life…who she’s even named. And in the beginning, Bella’s love sickness is in the extreme – so much so that she’s constantly using humor and sarcasm to hide her true self and feelings from the man who’s supposed to be her best friend.

That was rough for me, BUT it doesn’t take long for her to push through her own doubts and show the readers just how determined she is to make Edward truly see her, even when she’s unsure how it will all turn out. I liked that a lot. I was really crossing my fingers that Bella would pull through and not be the woe-is-me type through the whole story, and she’s definitely not. She can hang with the boys, drink like a champ, and she loves sports. Now that is my kind of girl =)

But I digress. Let’s get to the big focus. All of Bella’s silly doubts revolve around Ryeward. Let me tell you, even though he can be a real ass at times, he is YUM. Readers quickly learn why Bella is in love with him. He’s just so…dude-ish. He makes you roll your eyes as you consider his superficial relationship with the fake-boobed, hairy-bushed (yes, you read that correctly) girlfriend, but in the next minute, he’ll do or say something so sweet or sexy that you’ll forget why you were grumbling at his dumb butt in the first place.

The fact of the matter is, this is an Edward/Bella love story. There are roadblocks and stumbling points, and they have to weed through a lot of the muck in their lives, but they make their way closer to one another, one step at a time. Sure they do it backward by getting married to secure Edward’s visa, then realizing the feelings that have been culminating between them for two years, but that’s part of the fun.

Mac214 obviously has a great sense of humor, and she uses it to make these characters fun and lovable. Emmett is a charmer, his Rosie is sweet and sassy, toss in a couple of OCs to play Emmett’s Scottish parents, and the supporting cast in this fic is just as fun to read as our favorite couple. And did I mention that Jasper writes Westerns and Edward seems to have a fanboy crush on him? *geeks out a little*

mac214 is one of those authors who can write anything and is hardly recognized for her amazing talent. Realistic drama, super hot smut, hilarious humor, and one of the best darkwards I’ve ever encountered–the girl’s a genius. So it’s no surprise that I love Coming through the Rye.

I don’t know what I could possibly add to the reviews already given by everyone, but I do want to tell you that you are seriously missing out if you don’t give this fic a chance. I do also want to say that getting in to Edward’s accent take a little getting used to, but I just think about William Wallace a bit and it’s all good.

This is one of my favorite parts. Bella and Edward are talking about the interview questions they’ll be asked by the immigration services:

I nodded my head and pointed to the question. “I… well, why don’t we start by just saying what our favorite position actually is… you know, individually?” Inside I was laughing maniacally. This was going exactly as I thought it would, discussion of my dead parents notwithstanding. Luckily, I was naturally awkward enough for all of this to come off as if I was just as uncomfortable as he was.

Edward’s face turned pink, and he abruptly released my hand to take another bite of his bagel. He nodded and pointed to me as he chewed. “Ye firscht.”

I chuckled quietly and tried not to stutter. “Well, okay. I… like doggy style.”

His eyes just about bugged out of his head, and he swallowed convulsively. “I, uh, I like that one tae.”

“I guess we have our favorite sexual position then. How many times per week do we have sex?”

“How often would ye want tae?”

“Um, well, we’re newlyweds… I’d say every night at least once.” Hell, if Edward and I were actually doing it, I doubt I’d let him leave the bed. Of course, judging by the size of his dick, I might not be able to move.

“That’s quite a sexual appetite ye’ve got there, lass,” he teased.

“I haven’t had a boyfriend in two years, Edward. A girl’s got needs.”

That wiped the grin off his face. He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Do ye masturbate, then?”

I choked on my own spit and knocked over my apple juice, catching it before it drenched everything on the blanket. “Huh?”

“Och, weel, I mean, should I ken how often ye take care o’ yourself? Yer needs, as ye say… fer interview purposes, o’ coorse. I wank tae or three times per week myself.” Huh. Useful information. I’d have to try to accidentally catch the live show sometime.

“Currently every day, but I suspect if I was actually getting some action it might be less.” Even Madge was impressed with how I managed to get that out without stuttering or blushing. Edward, on the other hand, looked like his head might explode. “Oh, and you should know when I get my period, according to this. It’s generally every fourth Tuesday.”

Edward’s eyes were focused somewhere around my knees. “Do we, uh, do I… how’s oor sex life? Is it good?”

“I would imagine you’re quite… skilled in that department,” I confessed, carefully skirting around the fact I’d seen BonnyKnob McThrobson of Clan Cock under his kilt yesterday.

His head bobbed up, a roguish grin on his handsome face. “Oh, ye do, do ye? Thought aboot it much?”

Only every hour of every day, douchebag, Madge screamed.

Seriously. Go read this right now.