http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5682539/1/GYNAZOLE
http://twilighted.net/viewstory.php?sid=10403

Official Description: Bella has to fill an embarrassing prescription. Mr. Cullen is the pharmacist there to greet her. Rated M for every reason my twisted mind can come up with. ExB God help us if there is a lemon.

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HunterHunting says: GYNAZOLE. This isn’t a story for the faint of heart. Nor is it a story for those of you don’t like the dirty. And by dirty I don’t mean porn, well I kinda mean at least references to porn–such as the free TV that Emmett scores with an image of two dudes going at it imprinted on the screen in a pornographic shadow snapshot. What I mean is toilet humour, like honest to goodness toilet humour.

Let me explain to you the awesomeness that is GYNOZOLE. Edward is a hopeless nerd, working at a Target Pharmacy. Bella is, from what I can tell, just a big a nerd as Edward is. The whole story starts out with an unpleasant, itchy altercation at the Target Pharmacy where Edward bangs Bella. And not in the literal sense. Bella has a yeast infection, caused by taking prescription meds. Gross, you say? What-the-fuck-ever, I say. You know it’s happened to you.

Now imagine that your pharmacist wasn’t some old bald dude with a huge birthmark on his face, imagine it was Edward Cullen, who is super helpful and hot and adorably–not to mention mortifyingly–excited about his first day on the job as a pharmacist. Now imagine that he practically broadcasts the fact with his loud-as-fuck voice that you have a YEAST infection and need to use GYNOZOLE to cure it.

Not only is Bella a humiliated nerd, she has created for herself an alter ego, on twitter, who you can follow at will. @lotsa_vampersex tweets dirty, dirty messages (this time I mean pervy) and low and behold guess who is following her, Edward GYNOZOLE Cullen.

Oh yeah, it’s fucking hilarious. I don’t know where MtK comes up with this shit, proverbially or otherwise but it doesn’t take long for Bella to have a second encounter with the loud mouth pharmacist. This time he’s at her place of work, and not only is there squirrel fornication, there is also sharting. What is sharting? A wet fart, a shit-fart, however you would like to phrase it, it is there. There is also a giant cooler. They two are not related, but both are peeing-my-pants funny.

Not only are Edward and Bella messed right the hell up, but MtK has managed to make Emmett’s character the grossest fucker on the planet. He is usually in his underwear, he is constantly eating sausage, like constantly. He must have terrible breath. Anyway, he is not only disgusting and disturbing, he is also the story’s unlikeliest of heroes, bringing the awesome when the need arises. I won’t tell you how, but he does. He also sticks kittens down his underpants. This is not some kind of euphemism.

I think my personal favourite in this story is MtK’s kidnapping of fic cats and her characterization of Rose, who can only speak ten words on any given day. There are so many hilarious moments in this awesome story, I can’t even begin a list because it would be really fucking long and I would totally ruin the story for you. That being said, it is truly a must read for those of you who can deal with toilet humour and aren’t offended by the dirty, dirty.

I look forward to updates so I can nearly piss myself with the hilarity of it all. MtK is genius and I would love to have her GYNOZOLE babies. Itchy cooter and all.

SnowWhiteHeart says: So if you haven’t read Gynazole, it’s like this.

It’s like picking at a really good scab– a nice itchy one.
It’s like a burp you can taste– and it tastes good.
It’s the secret satisfaction of letting one rip in public– and nobody notices.

Gynazole is crass, grotesque, and utterly secretly satisfying.

The title, as I’m sure you have guessed, has to do with vaginas. Hence the ‘gyn’. When I first heard people talking about this fic, I was completely perplexed. That sounds like a vag-cream, I thought to myself.

Then I read it.

Yup, it’s about vag-cream.

“Hello, dropping off?” His voice should have been counting down the hits on some radio station. His green eyes flashed with friendliness and maybe a bit of flirtation.

Bella swallowed hard and nodded.

After an awkward wait, Mr. Cullen, as his name tag claimed, reached between her breasts to pluck the paper from her clenched hands.

He raised an inquisitive eyebrow at her bizarre behavior and smoothed the paper on the laminate counter.

Bella wanted to crap her pants when he announced the name of her drug out loud.

“Gynazole?”

Anything with “Gyn” in it would perk up peoples’ ears. Bella looked over her shoulder. What looked to be an entire football team of boys were gathered around a grandmother-aged lady. They were obviously showing her their support in great testosterone filled numbers. Bella was sure the woman’s problem was a lot more devastating than her own.

All eyes were trained on Bella. She tried to curl her body into itself and turned back to Mr. Gorgeous McLoudy pants.

Bella whispered quietly, “Yes, that’s it. Thank you.”

Mr. Cullen leaned closer to hear her. “Ok.” He seemed to want to engage in some more conversation. “Have you ever used it before? Because it’s a little bit different than your regular VAGINAL crème.” His voice just carried, it was like he couldn’t stop it if he tried.

Bella let her hands grab one another for support. If she didn’t have a wall of teenage meat behind her, she would have run. She wasn’t exactly sure, because her heart was pumping loudly in her ears, but she thought the supportive boys behind her were snickering.

“No, I…haven’t used it before.” Bella was wondering if she could fit in her own purse.

He obviously was quite proud of his extensive knowledge of pharmaceutical products. He decided to spout the difference between “traditional” yeast infection crèmes and GYNAZOLE.

Mrs. The King embarrasses the shit out of Bella from the get-go. And speaking of “shit” and “Bella”, you will learn what a shart is by chapter 3 if you don’t know already.

And Edward? God, I love Gynazole‘s Edward. He’s just so fucking happy and clueles. He’s so book-smart and socially-retarded that you can’t help but love his endearing enthusiasm and zest for life.

Yeah, I said zest, you got a problem?

Anyways, the horrorshow continues as these two hapless individuals get to know each other. Things seem to be going swimmingly until Bella runs into Edward and a guest at the Olive Garden.

Jessica tossed her hair and smirked. “I’m Edward’s soon-to-be fiancé. As soon as he’s saved up the money to buy me my ring, of course. What do I always say, Edward?”

Edward shuffled his feet. “You won’t put less than two carats on your finger.” He shrugged at Bella.

“Maybe the new job will help.”

He was embarrassed and Bella hated Jessica.

And you’ll hate Jessica, too, believe me.

But you may not hate her as much as Bella does, as evidenced by what our heroine does later in the chapter. I’m not going to ruin it for you, but Bella Swan does the most grotesque thing I have ever read in
a fic, in life, or in the National Enquirer. It’s nasty. It’s brilliant. It makes me want to spank the author silly for even thinking someone would do this in real life. Then it makes me think of who I would do that to. Then I decide I need therapy.

And have I mentioned how much I love Gynazole Emmett yet? He is beyond foul. Beyond crass. He is a human turd and I love him for it.

Emmett got all excited. “I got it for FREE! Craigslist!”

Emmett pulled a print-out from his back pocket and held it for Bella to read:

“Free LCD TV. Yes, it works perfectly. Yes, it has a remote. No, I won’t deliver. Why is it FREE you ask????? My roommate thought it would be “hysterical” to pause gay porn on my TV while my girlfriend and I were on vacation for 2 weeks, thus burning and image into the screen. So…If you don’t mind a silhouette of a skinny white guy taking a load in the face from the biggest black penis in recorded history forever adorning your new TV, It’s yours.”***

“Jesus Emmett? Oh my God! What the hell are you going to do with it?” Bella handed back the paper like it was made of dog crap.

“I’m going to watch the fuck out of it. I’m not afraid of a little man porn. Just remind me to turn it off when my Mom stops by.” Emmett disappeared behind the TV to adjust the cords.

So awesome. Everything about this Emmett is positively win. If I had my way, I’d beg Mrs. The King to do an entire spinoff of Gynazole just highlighting Emmett’s misadventures. It could even just be a series o/s consisting of him eating his signature sausages and I’d be lolling.

Anyways, if you want to get grossed out and laugh so hard you do something that grosses YOURSELF out, read Gynazole. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Kassiah says: What else can I add? I want to thank the lurverly MrsAC for bringing this story to my attention. It’s hilarious and should not be missed.