Official Description: Originally a o/s for the FML-Contest: Mischievous alarm clocks, inappropriate Christmas gifts and slippery ice – Bella’s day just keeps going from bad to worse. While thoroughly pissed off at the world, she finds her salvation in the unlikeliest of places

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What I love (and why you should all go read it as-soon-as-fuckin-possible) about Up to Scratch is pretty simple. But I’mma break it down anyway cause I’m anal like that. First: it makes me lolz. Or, better yet, it makes me acronym all over the floor. Which will make sense once you read the story, haha.

What’s more about Up to Scratch though is that it’s naturally funny. It’s as if it doesn’t have to try too hard or even really at all to be funny because it simply is. It’s not ridiculous or over the top, but at the same time it’s not a strictly subtle kind of funny.

Lemme put it this way: there has yet to be a chapter that didn’t have me in laughing, shit-I-think-I-just-peed-myself-a-bit-and-there-is-definitely-spittle-on-my-computer-screen hysterics.

Second: Vican writes kick-ass sexy times, that somehow succeed in being hot as hell and amusing as fuck. Case in point:

“I suddenly want to get him completely naked so I can find and count every single little freckle he has on his body. Well, I’d ravish him first, obviously, but after that I would totally take a black magic marker to his ass and play connect-the-dots. My girly parts like this plan. They like it a lot, and they can’t wait to execute it.”

Third: I’m not usually a fan of present tense stories, and yet I’m completely over the moon with this one. That right there is proof of how amazing Up to Scratch is.

Fourth: Both voices of narrative are comedic gold, creative, and unique. And there’s honestly nothing I love reading more than something that I have yet to see anywhere else. This Bella (or Scratcherella as she is fondly referred to as) has a way of looking at things and people that is at once both realistic and imaginative, and hilarious as all get out.

Example of Scratcherella awesomeness:

“Just the thought of actually having butterflies in my stomach makes me break out in a cold sweat due to the fact that butterflies freak me right the fuck out. I mean, yes, they’re very pretty to look at sometimes, but when they’re coming right at me, flopping up and down and threatening to land in my hair or my eyes, I run screaming in the other direction.”

Example of Drugstoreworkerward awesomeness:

“Yeah, Bella’s cooter is my dick’s version of Disney Land. It’s fucking amazing. It’s Dickney Land.”

Since I’m speaking of the unique and creative, let me also just point out that she has quite possibly the most original Carlisle, aka RLGEWW (are you intrigued enough to go read yet?), I’ve ever seen. If by now you’re still not making any plans whatsoever to go check out this fuckawesome story, I highly suggest you go do so simply to meet up with her Carlisle.

Vican also manages to make every character feel worthwhile, like they have a point in the story and aren’t just there to hang around and fill chairs. Though they’re not the two main-main characters, the story for me would feel incomplete and lacking without the contributions (mainly of hilarity) that Alice and Jazznard provide.

Everyone loves to laugh, and I hear it’s healthy for you too. So, skip eating your broccoli for today and go read Up to Scratch! (Just remember to wear some Depends and get a protective shield for your computer screen.)

Any story that has me in a constant state of giggles is a definite win for me. Up To Scratch is without a doubt one of those stories. With all of the angst and heartbreak that I’ve been reading lately, Vican has given me exactly what I needed. A fluffy, citrusy, hilariously well-written story.

With lines like this, who could resist:

I find this smile of his incredibly sexy. I want to do him on the top of this bar.

I take a deep breath, willing my girly parts to not give my brain ideas like that, because after a shot or two of tequila, I might just implement them with no regard to the gazelles and mangy lions watching.

I have a brief mental image of the crowd cheering us on as I ride Edward on the bar top.

Yeah, that probably shouldn’t turn me on as much as it just did.

If you’re looking for a story that will make you smile, feel *cough* warm all over, and maybe crave a good back-scratch, this one is definitely for you.

Are you in the mood for a good giggle? For a Bella who is a little crazy but wildly entertaining? For some humor and fluff you won’t be able to stop reading? Well then, Up To Scratch is definitely a story for you.

A few months after Edward helps Bella with an allergic reaction, which Vican wrote in an epically ridiculous and unexpectedly sexy back scratching scene, they have their first official date. Cue the dry hump (woo hoo!) and Vican gives us this little bit of smut and hilarity:

We go on dry-humping for several minutes, our sounds and erotically charged curses echoing off the walls. I’m all flushed and hot, and so goddamn close to coming in my pants, but I kind of don’t want to come yet, because I don’t want this feeling to ever, ever stop.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, oh, god – Edward!” I whimper, and then the first tell-tale flutter goes through me – I’m going to come, and soon.

That’s when I feel Edward’s hands on my back, pressing us together tightly. I get a sudden bout of inspiration, but I don’t know if it’s crazy or genius.

“Ed-Edward?” I gasp as my thrusts and grindings start to become harder and more erratic the closer I get to my climax.

“Yeah?” he pants against my lips.

“This will-… fuck, yes – sound weird, bu-but can you- oh, my fucking god! Oh, fuck, fuck! Can you… uh, I’m so close-… sc-scratch my ba-aaaack!”

Then I start to just emit whimpers and urgent moans of utmost pleasure, because I really am so fucking close!

“Wh-what?” Edward grunts, but I can feel his fingers curling against me, prepared to comply with my wish.

“Edward, please! Oh god, oh god, oh god, yes!”

He hesitates for another second or two, and just as I cross the point of no return, he rakes his fingers down my spine.

The feel of it is so intense, so fucking gloriously amazing, that I scream out in pleasure. My skin erupts in rippling gooseflesh and my orgasm gets amped up like fucking mad. My whole body tenses and clenches, my heart almost stops, and my hips make one final thrust, just as Edward drags his fingers back up my spine.

I explode. I can’t even hear what sounds are pouring out of my throat as the most intense orgasm of my life crashes into me. Wave after wave after wave hits me, slams into me, grips my body and takes it somewhere so fucking awesomely good, I don’t ever want to come down.

Blood rushes through my veins, my heart pounding under my ribs, and I can feel my pussy clenching like nobody’s business. I’m still moving, still grinding desperately against Edward, but I dimly realise I have collapsed against him, my mouth against his shoulder and I’m biting him. My screams of pleasure are muffled by skin that tastes sweet and warm and like boy, like Edward, and my teeth are sinking into hard muscle.

With a final, drawn out moan, I slowly still as all the energy drains from my body. I turn my head into his neck, clutching at him desperately as I start coming down.

Holy fuck, I have a scratch-fetish.

WOW. After that, all I can say is me too, Bella. Me. Too.

As the story goes on, we get many more peeks into Bella neurotic mind and experience the lulz and anxiety of their constant cockblocks, but when they do get their chance…UNF. And don’t think Bella is the only one who’s into that scratching thing! ::wink, wink, nudge, nudge, pointed look at Edward::

I love this story because it is full of great one-liners and a stream of constant laughs. Bella and Edward are both incredibly adorkable, and I’m certain that you’ll enjoy Vican’s silly sense of humor and the entertaining relationship she has cooked up between our leading duo. Check it out and enjoy!