http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4916108/1/Edward_the_Beta

Official Description: Edward is a ‘beta’ werewolf. He’s trying to have an affair with Jacob’s girlfriend.

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manyafandom says: This is the crème de la crème of crackfic, it makes me laugh so hard that tears come to my eyes and I have problems breathing when I read it. Yes, it’s that funny…to me. To everyone else, I really don’t know. If you are ever in the mood to laugh hysterically at utter ridiculousness and stupidity, than this is the crackfic for you. Edward wakes up naked in the woods and is informed by his adopted father Carlisle that he’s a werewolf. Yes, Edward is a werewolf. Also he’s not the brightest crayon in the box and everyone thinks he fucks trees. That doesn’t stop Bella from being attracted to him and his schlong. All Edward wants is to touch Bella’s boobs and stop waking up naked in the woods.

MF’er says: Have you ever wondered just what might have happened if Edward was turned into a Werewolf instead of a Vampire? He’d be forced into cut-off sweat pants and living with meanie wolves who hate him and wouldn’t allow him to touch Bella’s boobs. (Not that he ever did that in the actual books, or did he? We’ll never know). For some odd reason he gets pegged as a tree fucker because he keeps ending up naked in the woods and he’s not real happy with this. See?

“I really wish I’d stop waking up naked in the woods. Last Tuesday, Bella saw my schlong, and although she seemed excited it was pretty embarrassing.”

He also misses his family… and has decided that poetry is a good outlet…

Isolation
I am Isolated,
No one hears my cries.
My family,
My family,
I don’t like these pants.

He’s done everything he can to win Bella’s affection…

I’ve choreographed a dance to impress Bella and win her love. Next week I’m going to perform it for her. I have to make up some serious ground, because after the schlong incident she won’t even look at me. I’m going to make my hair bigger too; it’s only 5 inches tall at the moment. My big hair and dance routine will ruin Jacob Black.

Unfortunately his dancing doesn’t help him out, so he decides that ballet will be a good bet but this only gets him called gay and makes him decide that he hates Jacob even more, oh and Carlisle…and his mother Exme, or is it Eseme or Exsemesxxeme or wait, no… HOSEBEAST. The ridiculousness continues and I could go on and on about the hilarity that is included but I think I’ve given you enough to go on… right? Seriously by the middle of the first chapter I was in tears from laughing so hard, go read it… its less than 1000 words but it might take you a while because you’ll literally have to stop every five minutes to catch your breath from laughter.

Kassiah says: I would really like to say something witty about this story, but I can’t because I. cannot. breathe. It is so fuckawesomely hilarious. The poetry. The dancing. Gaycob. Hosebeast and Pooplisle. and Kevin Bacon’s schlong. You have to read it. That is all.

mozzer0906 says: Edward the Beta has a first for me – the first time I’ve seen an author use the word schlong for penis – even if the rest of the story sucked (which it doesn’t), this alone would make it win for me.

Edward’s internal monologue about what he thinks about everyone around him is hysterical, consider this musing about what he thinks about being a werewolf:

“I hope I get to do something cool with my new wolf powers instead of running around aimlessly trying to defend the tribe from mythical creatures.”

That quote earned a huge laugh from me simply because I imagine that prior to seeing Laurent in the woods with Bella in New Moon, this is exactly what life was for the wolves of La Push.

Edward is also quite the accomplished poet:

“Isolation
I am Isolated,
No one hears my cries.
My family,
My family,
I don’t like these pants.”

TheNinjaWolf has a fantastic sense of humor and I laughed out loud at every chapter. I’ve also put this gem on alert so I can find out how Edward’s quest to depetal his flower is going.